Tuesday, 30 September 2008

The Large HaveNot Collider or LHNC

or to put it simply one mans search for the elusive walletanium particle, my mate Chris up in North Wales is as we speak digging a large cylindrical tunnel using 4" PVC drain pipe from B&Q in his back garden powered by three fairy lights and a hamster on a wheel at a massive personal expense of £23.67p .... why I hear you ask?

Well he wants to know what happens nanoseconds before the big bill arrived, he intends to accelerate two of his ex friends at a breakneck speed towards each other and then at a predetermined point somewhere near his garden shed and just past his sea kayak collide them and see what happens nanoseconds before and after the collision to unravel the mysteries of the big bill

for those of you without a degree in parasitic particle physics, here is a dummy's guide to what he hopes to achieve.....

Walletanium is a parasitic particle which borrows protons from any neighbouring molecule, it has plenty of its own protons but prefers to borrow from a near neighbour to remain more positively charged thereby not reducing its own positive charge one bit, when it in turn needs to shed protons, the exchange of protons between these particles is very quick, it usually only takes several seconds and no longer than a minute for Walletanium to deduce it has no free protons by a process called "pocket patting" once "pocket patting" has finished it then slides up to the host particle (for example Lorisanium or the much preferred Christium) and following a set procedure of bringing its own protons close to it's own nucleus to give the impression that it doesn't have any protons to give, which makes it appear to be negatively charged, the host particle is then obliged to shed some of its own protons because Walletanium "appears" to be negatively charged.

Walletanium then goes on to seek out Beerium whereby it passes all it's borrowed protons over to the long chained molecule "barium" in return for several small short lived particles called "Beerium"... which it then takes back to the host and offers them around, giving the impression that it has in fact obtained the Beerium particles via it's own proton store, then smugly absorbs its beerium particle and the process starts all over again ...ad nauseum......

obviously this experiment is very important and will allow scientists for the first time to actually see the entire process from "pocket patting" to the very moment nanoseconds before the big bill

for the wider parasitic particle physics community it will answer the age old question just how tightly packed is a walletanium particle ? and how does it consistently manage to scavenge spare protons from its neighbours ?

This research will help the wider public as well who as we all know have at some time been hit by the walletanium particle and hopefully avoid its long term and in some cases damaging effects.

Next week I will be talking about the CSA particle which has the very undesirable effect of taking all of a particles protons and in some cases it's electrons as well even before the particle actually has any to shed, it then distributes the excess protons and electrons to completely proton rich particles within a large radius of its nucleus, currently believed to be in or around Liverpool and has been given the humorous name "The highway robbery" particle, the hope is that one day parasitic particle physics funded by Government money will be able to accelerate this particle so fast that it disappears up its own nucleus, but thus far the particle is so heavy and cumbersome and slow and expensive to track, it's unlikely to happen during my salary

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