I'm sitting here waiting......

waiting until 8pm until I can go see my mother who was rushed into hospital this morning :(
the news was broken to me as I drove home, and it was like a stone had dropped through me.....

she won't be impressed having to stay in hospital but at least she is in good hands :(

11:30pm same day

Well I'm back, she seemed in good spirits.... but she asked me to stay after my dad and sister left, she wanted to ask me if it was ok to write my ex wife a letter, because something had been troubling her for some time...... I said it was fine and if anything it would be cathartic to do so....get if off her chest so to speak.....it became apparent as we spoke that despite the lovely Christmas we all had, there was this gaping hole .....my two daughters.... I did say it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to my ex and that she would probably screw it up and bin it, and one letter wouldn't undo the nut job my ex had done on my daughters......she was hardly likely to say

"ahhhhh yes I meant to say sorry that I used your grandchildren as a weapon and denied your son access to them and both of you while I was at it....I'm so very very sorry......"

out of all the things she did that is probably the one thing I simply couldn't forgive her for ever..... I've learnt to cope with the pain of separation pretty well I think, it comes up every now and again and bites my backside...but it's getting less and less these days, but I don't think my parents have, especially my mother :( ....

I actually left the hospital feeling ashamed and angry......not by anything I had done, but by the fact that my own flesh and blood, my own two daughters don't have between them the common decency or care or love to at least keep in contact with their grandparents, a very "christian" attitude ....hypocrisy in motion more like..... Their grandparents did not deserve to be cut off like they have......sure you can hate me as much as you like (in fact bring it on at least it's an emotion of some sorts eh ?) ...... but don't take it out on two people who have loved you both from day one, and done nothing to hurt you ..... all these thoughts were whizzing around in my head as I left the hospital

Anyway Emma is 18 now a bona fide adult, she is old enough to make her own decisions, one day she will realise how it could have been so very different, but the years will have passed and the opportunities wasted and she will realise how much she has missed out on....the ball is in her court now, and as usual the silence is deafening.....

"ball boy fetch me another ball !!!" .....
"what do you mean you haven't got any left ?????"........
.
.
.
.
"ahhh well game over......."