Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Lincoln Earthquake Appeal

An Earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincoln this Wednesday morning just before 1am in the morning. The epicentre of the tremor, which measured 5.3 on the Richter scale according to the British Geological Survey, was centred on the village of Holton cum Beckering, about 15 miles northeast of Lincoln. According to the US Geological Survey, the epicentre was 10 kilometres (6.2 miles) from the Earth’s surface. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying “o me belongeens ar brock” “worapend” and “bloody ell”.

The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. including several grade two listed chimney pots, and several irreplaceable roof slates, many priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair. Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and cars burned out which were unable to be moved in time due to being on bricks. Many locals were woken before their Giro’s arrived. One resident, Kylie Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of six said “It was such a bloody shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny-Beyonce... came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin-up.”

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 5000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous “Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Pound stretcher ornaments.

How can you help?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a Jumbo sausage dinner, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal from the back of Jack's lorry.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Where can i find jack, i need some fags,
also who does the dodgey mots? i need one of those aswell
cheers

Cake said...

absolute legend. brilliant!!!

Anonymous said...

should have been wales
inconciderate pratt

Digamy said...

why should it have been Wales ? the earthquake was in Lincoln....idiot